”It’s going to be alright” my mom said, turned around and patted my knee a little too quickly.
‘No, it’s never going to be alright, I’m never going to be alright. I am going to be like this, forever.’
“We’re here” Damian, also known as my biological father, announced and the car stopped.
“Remember to call us if there is anything that you have forgotten to bring, and we’ll bring it up here” my mom said and wiped away a few tears.
‘I have forgotten everything. I have forgotten to say good bye to Noah, I have forgotten to tell him just how much I love him.’
Damian did not utter a word, instead he kept staring out the car window.
‘Corridors, rooms, plenty of rooms, a receptionist who looked nothing but cold, and then a quick hug from my mom. It’s okay, you can touch me, it’s not contagious.’
Hours passed, the clock was ticking me to insanity. ‘Where was I?’
Realization hit me. ‘Noah must be worried sick.’
I screamed out of panic. ‘How could I not tell him? How could I be so stupid to think that he not knowing would be for the best?’
One thought in my head: ‘I have to get out of here.’
Oh please help me.
Cold-sweat, I am shaking, I don’t understand.
“Noah, they drove away with Luke” Faith repeats.
I grab a steady hold of her. “Why? Where?”
“I don’t know!” she cries.
‘Of course she doesn’t know, she is only ten.’
Footsteps outside. Someone is coming.
“You have to leave” she says.
So I leave.
“No, you don’t understand me! I have to make a phone call! Noah doesn’t know that I am here! Please, just let me use...”
A sharp needle pierced through the skin on his arm. ‘Oh please help me.’
“Why!? WHY?!” I screamed and banged my fist against the steering wheel.
‘I haven’t even told him that I love him. Just plain f’ucking ‘same here’s’ whenever he told me how much I meant to him.’
“You think you are so cute Snyder.”
“What? I’m not?” he fakes being hurt.
“Of course you are” I reassure him and playfully pinch his nose.
“This cutie wants a kiss.”
“That I can fix.”
Lips meet. Sweet, tender and yet very passionate.
Footsteps. Shock. Pain.
“Let him go! He only did what I told him to. I forced him to do it!”
Never have I thought that Luke’s words could hurt so much. ‘What are you talking about? I kissed you because I wanted to.’
‘I am right here, and I am not giving up.’ Images of Noah flashed by in my head. ‘Definitely not.’
Without you I don’t want to be like this. With you it was worth it. Without you it’s completely pointless. I am not going to be like this anymore.
You told me they would protect me here. But the lock is on the other side of the door. I am not the one being protected. It’s the world that is being protected from me.
“To be honest with you, this has never happened before. The... uhm patients are never this co-operative. Not that I am glad, I am, it’s just that..”
“Could you just be quiet and drive?” my tone sounds so harsh. ‘I am not myself anymore, and I haven’t been for a long time... without you.’
More needles. More pain. ‘and I am not giving up.’
“And you are here by your own free will?”
“Sign here, here and here.”
Never had I thought that one place could lack love so much. It’s like all love has been sucked out of this place. Without you I am going to fit right in here.
“Mr. Snyder, you have behaved well for these last few weeks. For that you get a reward. You get to leave your room and spend some time in our break room with the other patients. But remember, you must not touch, or talk to either one of them.”
‘It’s not like there is anyone there I would want to touch or hug either.’
So many books. I never used to read. Until I met you. You opened up my eyes to literature.
So many movies, mostly classics. ‘Why does everything here have to remind me of you?’
I need to find a movie, a good one. One that will take my thoughts away from you for at least two hours. It’s a shame that there is no such movie.
I wish that I had a photograph of you. Something to hug. A few months ago you bought this horrible, ugly orange sweatshirt. I told you not to wear it, but you did it anyway, just to tease me. What I would give to have that orange sweatshirt right now, here with me to hug.
I look up. There is no way. This can’t be possible.
Someone is staring at me. I can feel it in the back of my neck. I turn around. I drop the movie I was holding. My knees turn into jell-o. I can’t stand up. I fall to the floor.
Is it really you? Please let it be true.
‘I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you more than I love writing, I love you more than anyone else, I love you so much that it’s painful.’
‘I love you too.’